Why “Bright-Siding” Can Do More Harm Than Good
When someone experiences a devastating loss, it’s natural to want to ease their pain. We reach for words, gestures, and actions that we hope will bring comfort. Often, this instinct leads to what’s called “bright-siding”—encouraging someone to look on the bright side of their circumstances (stemming right from the phrase, “look on the bright side”). It’s the ever-increasing practice of steering someone toward the positive and away from anything that feels dark or negative while they are enduring something painful, especially (especially, especially) in the very beginning moments of this experience. While well-meaning, this approach can inadvertently hurt more than it helps.
I know firsthand how these attempts at comfort can land. After experiencing the loss of my mother, I felt the sharp sting of words meant to soothe but instead felt dismissive. Phrases like “at least…” or “but look at the positives…” cut through my fragile heart like a knife against a chalkboard. These sentiments, though offered with good intentions, rarely convinced me that my pain was anything less than what it felt: overwhelming and all-consuming.
Sorry to say, especially for those well-meaning folks out there, but it is a form of gaslighting. Often a toxically positive and well-meaning attempt to offer comfort, it’s the phenomenon where someone tries to tell you that, no matter your situation, you should look for some kind of positive. It’s a form of toxic positivity, a subtle yet impactful way of saying, “Your feelings are making me uncomfortable, so let’s focus on something happier.” This is not to say there is never room for positive thoughts to be shared or encouraged, but definitely not immediately following someone’s tragedy.
We are immediately thrust into a survival mode after a trauma or major loss, and our nervous system is dysregulated. This includes executive functioning– which means, we aren’t going to be able to process theoretical, poetic, or positive thoughts right away. We are just going to be thinking of surviving and getting through this painful time in the present tense.
Why Bright-Siding Hurts
Bright-siding can feel like gaslighting to someone grieving. By encouraging them to “look on the bright side,” we risk:
Invalidating their emotions: Grief is complex and deeply personal. Minimizing it by focusing on positives suggests their pain isn’t valid.
Re-traumatizing them: Grievers are often in survival mode, holding on to the remnants of their former lives while navigating an unknown future. Dismissing their reality compounds their pain.
Isolating them further: People who are grieving need to feel seen and understood. Bright-siding often creates a disconnect, leaving them feeling misunderstood and alone.
A Better Way to Support Someone Grieving
So, how can you show up for someone in their darkest moments? The answer is simpler than you might think: be present.
Show up emotionally and physically: Whether through a heartfelt message, a comforting hug, or simply sitting quietly beside them, your presence speaks volumes.
Validate their feelings: Say things like, “This is so hard,” or “I can’t imagine how much pain you’re in, but I’m here.” Let them know their emotions are seen and honored.
Be a safe space: Allow them to share their thoughts without fear of judgment or unsolicited advice. Sometimes, just listening is the greatest gift you can offer.
Offer tangible support: Drop off a meal, help with errands, or provide childcare. Small acts of kindness can lighten their load and remind them they’re cared for.
It’s About Presence, Not Perfection
We don’t have to do huge, grand gestures if we cannot, we simply want somebody who is enduring significant trauma or loss to know that they are not alone, that they are cared about, and that they are seen.
In my book, Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go, I have a whole chapter dedicated to helping us show up for someone in their loss. It’s easier than it seems, easier than it feels, and we can be a soft place for someone’s broken heart to land, I promise.
As we navigate our relationships with those who are grieving, let’s remember: they don’t need us to fix their pain or find silver linings. They need us to sit with them in the darkness, offering warmth, comfort, and love. And perhaps most importantly, let’s extend this same compassion to ourselves when we’re in the depth of our own pain. We don’t have to start with the good when things are tragic in our lives. We can allow ourselves to feel disappointment, fear, anger, or deep grief. That’s human.
So, let’s cut it out with the bright-siding, okay? Instead, let’s choose presence over platitudes, connection over dismissal, and love over toxic positivity.
