Things to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone Who is Grieving
How do we show up for one another when loss enters our lives? I’m not in the business of shaming people who care just because they aren’t saying or doing the right thing. I don’t want to make people feel bad who are trying.
We can’t do better if we don’t know how, right?
That doesn’t let them off the hook, though. We are so emotionally ill-equipped to come face-to-face with someone else’s pain that we dip into the bag of clichés and platitudes while hoping for the best to get away quickly.
I’m a champion of gentle redirection while acknowledging that people do want to be connected. We are just sometimes really, really… really bad at it.
That’s no excuse, I know.
I want us to do better, and that’s one of my missions in grief work and education: how to teach people around us to be there for us in a way that connects us authentically.
You have the burden of dealing with grief, and it’s not right to add the additional burden of educating people around you to be a better support. At the same time, it’s important to be able to ask for what we need.
And if a better way to help, support, or reach your heart is available to you, a gentle sharing to those around you is a win-win.
We have to change an entire society to be more grief-literate. One person at a time. This is the goal— to find ways to connect and keep that connection open authentically.
Here are some ways you can show up for someone who is grieving a loss or painful life transition:
Instead of saying, “They are in a better place.” Try saying, “I don’t know how you feel exactly, but I’m here to listen.”
Instead of, “I know exactly how you feel because (inserting your own loss or ending).” Try, “I have no idea what you’re feeling, but I am here for you. Would it be okay if I dropped off a meal this week or helped with laundry?” Offering a specific way to support them will take the decision off of them and relieve some pressure.
Instead of saying, “Everything happens for a reason,” you can try something like, “I don’t know what you believe, but I have taken comfort in thinking everything happens for a reason. Though at the time, I wouldn’t have believed it.”
Instead of giving them space by saying or doing nothing, look for ways you can support them. Send a card, flowers, or a meal. Let them know how clumsy you are with this sort of thing but that you care and want them to know you were thinking of them. Help them see that you’re holding them close in your heart.
Grief can be an incredibly isolating and lonely experience. Society hasn’t taught us all how to better show up for people who are grieving. But we can learn and become better for those who need our care and support at the hardest times in their life.
We will all be grievers one day, so let’s try to change the narrative so no one really has to endure the pain of grief alone.
