Grieving the Loss of True, Authentic Connections

Let's start by acknowledging that if you’re feeling lonely right now, you’re not alone in this. In our increasingly digitally connected world, we often find ourselves more distanced from one another. It's not just the multitude of options that contribute to this, but also our shared fear of vulnerability. When was the last time someone asked how you were, and you felt comfortable giving a genuine answer? 

It's time for us to take the initiative and start building the authentic connections we crave.

When did social media stop being social?

As a Grief and Trauma Psychotherapist, I started my Instagram account to provide helpful information, build awareness and understanding around grief and trauma, and help people through the many challenges that come through loss. 

If I’m being honest, though, I feel most connected when I share my own story of loss, which I’ve learned is a tricky line to walk. I share my personal story and thoughts, not knowing if the people on the other side of their phones will connect and be present with me—that’s a real fear for all of us. We are all asking, “Will anyone care?”

More than that, there is often the genuine fear that someone we say may offend someone or cause someone to lash out in some way. We often don’t feel safe sharing our deepest thoughts because the judgment that can come along with that is quick and harmful.

Instead, we hide behind these curated feeds and perfectly sculpted captions and withhold our truest thoughts—keeping us from ever getting truly “social” in these spaces.

The Importance of Real Connection

One of the most challenging seasons to stay connected and vulnerable is the very same season we need connection and people the most. Whether you’re grieving the death of a loved one, the loss of a career, or even the loss of a longtime relationship, having the support of people who know and love you is instrumental in your well-being. However, this is often the very same time we push people away and give simple (typically scripted) responses to people who ask. We want it to not be a burden to others (and to ourselves, too). 

This happens for a few different reasons. The most common reason I see is the griever not wanting to burden their friends and family with their most vulnerable thoughts and feelings. Whether they feel safe or not, they feel like they are being a “bother” to others, especially if they are past the time that is normally allotted for grief (a sad, common misconception that grief is on a timeline). Instead of being honest with what they are experiencing when asked, they suppress their feelings and give basic responses that allow the other person to feel better in assuming their friend or loved one is beginning to heal.

Another common cause of disconnection is the assumption that people who are grieving may be reminded of their loss if they are asked how they are doing. So, instead of asking, they are ignored and talked around, leaving them to give quick responses, as I was saying in the paragraph above. 

Let’s take a moment and attempt to course-correct here: 

 If you’re someone experiencing loss, please give as much vulnerability in your responses as possible to the people who feel safest to you. While I’m not implying that your Starbucks barista needs to hear your entire story, it’s safe to assume that your best friend truly wants to know how you’re doing with the loss you’ve experienced, or at least I hope so.. You’re not burdening the people who truly care about you to share your truth, I promise…. as they are likely thinking about this already. Instead, give them an honest answer and receive that authentic support where you can.

If you love someone who has recently (or not so recently) experienced loss, please remember that you’re not “reminding them” of their loss if you bring it up. Trust me when I say it’s a fire that’s always burning in the back (and usually front) of their mind. You’re not burdening them by bringing it up. Instead, you’re showing your authentic support and care for them about their experience, which will allow them to open up and be vulnerable with you—the support they need to heal.

The First Step Toward Authentic Connections

The fears you’re carrying around about being vulnerable and authentic in your responses to the people you communicate with are genuine. I totally get it. It’s scary! It would not be surprising to me if many of you have experienced some kind of pain around a connection attempt gone wrong. Sadly, these things happen, and even sadder, they can prevent us from trusting in a safe space for a while. It doesn’t mean it isn’t worth trusting again with someone who is safe and builds that trust with us– in fact, we must! 

If you want to start building connections with people and move out of this lonely space, it’s important to take baby steps toward being more real with the people you talk to. It all begins with bite-sized check-ins. 

The next time you meet with someone over coffee, skip the small talk and ask the real questions. Then, respond honestly when they do the same for you. As you spend time with family and friends, push past the comfortable, quick responses like “I’m doing okay,” “Things are fine,” or “You know, busy,” and give them an honest look at what you’re currently feeling. If you’re feeling busy, tell them why. If you’re not actually doing okay, share what feels safe. And if you’re really doing okay, tell them why! While it’s important to share the hard things, we can also take the time to celebrate with the people we love, too.

While we are more disconnected than ever, it doesn’t have to stay this way. We don’t have to continue at this busy pace that doesn’t allow us to be honest with ourselves or the people who care about us. And, while it can often feel safer to keep things simple, genuine connection isn’t built in short responses. It’s made in authentic, vulnerable conversations that force you out of your comfort zone together.

I want this for you, and I want this for me! Together, we can begin to change the way we care for one another. And it starts today! If you’ve finished reading this, I’d love for you to hop on Instagram and send me a DM. Let me know if you read this blog post and what you think and feel about it.

I look forward to connecting with you.