Understanding the Body’s Response to Anticipatory Grief
Our brain perceives the loss of a loved one as a threat to survival, triggering a stress response (fight or flight) and strengthening the fear center of the brain. This is a fundamental aspect of how our bodies are wired to respond to trauma and stress.
What can be particularly confusing is that on holidays or days that hold special meaning for us, this stress response can be reactivated. Even years after the loss, these days can bring back a heightened sense of fear and stress, as if the loss has just occurred.
For many, anticipatory stress leads up to these significant days. We often find ourselves bracing for impact, unsure how to get through. Somehow, we manage to survive the day, but the following day, we can feel utterly exhausted, battle-worn, or experience a sort of hangover effect. This heightened sense of fear can linger, leaving us feeling drained and overwhelmed.
The Normalcy of the Stress Response in Grief
This is a normal stress response in grief. By nature, the stress response is intended to be short-lived. Once our brain and body feel safe again, we begin to return to a less heightened physical state. The parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest) takes over, allowing for calm and restoration.
In my book, Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go, I delve into this topic because I believe understanding what’s happening to our brain and body can help us feel less overtaken by it. When we know why we are experiencing these intense emotions and physical reactions, we can navigate through them with more compassion and awareness.
Practical Steps to Navigate Grief
Here are some practical steps we can take when we feel a heightened sense of survival mode.
Practice Self-Compassion: Don’t berate yourself for having an emotional or physical reaction to loss again. This is all a part of grief. Allow yourself to feel without judgment.
Prioritize Self-Care: Take care of yourself by ensuring you get enough sleep, eat well, engage in regular physical movement, and set healthy boundaries. Self-care is crucial during these times.
Create a Routine: Ground yourself with a daily routine or ritual. It can be as simple as mindfully making a meal, having a daily tea time, or taking a walk after dinner. Routines can provide a sense of normalcy and stability.
Engage in Creative Activities: Get your creative juices flowing. Whether it's crafting, knitting, starting a new workout, dancing, creating art, or even finding a new route home, creativity can help shift your brain out of a state of fear and into a more relaxed state.
Seek and Accept Support: It’s more than okay to seek or accept support during these times when everything feels like too much. Whether it's leaning on close, safe people in your life or seeking the support of a trauma-informed healer, asking for help is always a good path when we need extra care.
Moving Through Emotional Whiplash
These moments of emotional whiplash can feel overwhelming, but they can be moved through gently and tenderly. By understanding our stress response and taking proactive steps to care for ourselves, we can navigate the waves of grief with more resilience and compassion. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and there are tools and support available to help you through.
